The army veteran of 19 years used work as a distraction. She piled it on herself, she enrolled her kids in extra activities. She made herself so busy she “didn’t have the time to stop and think”.

But you cannot run from PTSD and in 2014 her worsening mental health caught up with her by way of a stroke.

Andy Summers, who served with the RAAF in Iraq and Afghanistan, also tried to ignore the symptoms. His tool was alcohol “to try and shut down the nightmares”.

His PTSD caught up with him too, culminating in a suicide attempt.

Mrs Looker and Corporal Summers are speaking out about the darkest time in their lives to smash the stigma of PTSD in the hope of helping current and former Defence personnel.

Mrs Looker, a mother of three from Thornton, joined the army at 17. She enjoyed a varied 19-year career, including service in East Timor and the Solomon Islands. It was in her final role as a psychological examiner, where she would attend critical incidents and conduct screenings with soldiers returning from deployment, that she noticed herself unraveling.

“When you hear these stories over and over again and when you know someone who then suicides, that can be hard to deal with,” Mrs Looker said. “I didn’t want to admit it. There’s a stigma around mental health no matter who you are but being in psych … it felt like failure.”

She ignored the symptoms for four years before seeking help. Within weeks of taking sick leave she had a non-organic stroke – brought on by stress. “I was on the phone to my husband … he couldn’t understand what I was saying. I became mute,” Mrs Looker said. “I was rushed to hospital and admitted to the acute stroke ward. It was scary. It was horrible.

“I think the worst was for my kids seeing me like that.” 

She was medically discharged in 2015.

“One of the things I’m hoping is going to improve with Defence is when people are integrating back into normal life, there’s a smoother transition,” she said. “The moment we are no longer doing something, the moment they don’t think we’re productive in our career, we don’t matter. But we kind of still do because we have given our lives to this job.

“You don’t know who you are anymore when you’re not there, you’ve got to reinvent yourself. That’s really hard to do when you’re broken.”

Mrs Looker said being a female in the army came with challenges, as did seeking support as a female ex-military member.

When she first sought to join an RSL Sub-Branch, Mrs Looker said she was offered to be part of the women’s auxiliary, which is made up of “soldiers’ wives”.

“You get accused of being a ‘pen pusher’ and people say things like, ‘women don’t go on the front line so how could this happen?’” she said.

“I think from the beginning of your career in the military as a female you’re always trying to prove yourself and my body is testament to that because I’m broken from head to toe,” she said.

“But it’s exhilarating and rewarding as well to know you can do a job as well as a man and you can do it along with some of the best soldiers I’ve ever known. It’s really rewarding.

“I’d go back in a heartbeat if I could.”

Mrs Looker was finally diagnosed with PTSD a year ago and has since improved, with the help of a solid social circle, the Nelson Bay RSL Sub-Branch and her “most amazing supportive husband and children”.

.​”I still struggle from day to day,” she said. 

“I still struggle to get out of the house. I tend to not go anywhere unless I have someone with me because crowds and getting bumped into cause panic attacks.”

A Defence spokesperson acknowledged a stigma remained around mental health, but said Defence was “committed to raising awareness of the support available”.

“Sadly, the stigma associated with mental health is still an issue in our organisation, as it is across society,” the spokesperson said.

“But we are committed to cultural change and are working to ensure the ADF fosters an inclusive, respectful environment which is conducive to the identification and discussion of mental health issues and to rehabilitation and recovery.

More than $218 million had been invested in mental health care and support since 2009, the spokesperson said. 

“Defence provides a range of mental health awareness training and activities that highlight the full spectrum of mental health issues including PTSD in order for personnel and families to recognise signs and symptoms,” the spokesperson said.

“In last year’s budget the Government made mental health treatment for depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and drug and alcohol use conditions free for anyone who has served a day in the ADF. This treatment does not have to be linked to service.”

The Defence spokesperson said the ADF also worked to transition those leaving the military back to civilian life.

“ADF transition support services aim to ensure that members, and their families, are well informed and comfortable accessing the range of services available,” the spokesperson said.

“Recent enhancements to these services include a focus on providing coaching and mentoring support for all members in the 12 months after they separate from the ADF.”

Simon Sauer, chief executive of Mates4Mates, a charity formed to help returning Defence personnel, said it was estimated about 8 per cent of ADF members would have experienced PTSD in the past 12 months.

”In particular, ADF males report a greater rate of PTSD compared with the general community (8.1 per cent versus 4.6 per cent),” he said.

“One per cent is too large.”

He said PTSD did not discriminate.

“PTSD … can affect people from all roles within Defence. It’s important that we continue to support ex-service organisations providing these support services,” Mr Sauer said.

For crisis support contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

lallan@fairfaxmedia.com.au