There's no way out for Sophie Monk on The Bachelorette Australia now: she's just going to have to dump one of the tall guys.
She may have told us from the outset she's not interested in looks, but with five dudes left it's pretty obvious she has a type. In a word, tall.
As they line up in front of Osher and some guy who turns out to the "chief matching scientist" from online dating site e-Harmony, it's like that song from Sesame Street: "One of these things is not like the others/One of these things does not belong/One of these things is not like the others/Can you guess, which one?"
Jarrod, Blake, Stu and Apollo are all strapping gents. And then there's James, who is not. Mr Harmony, you can leave. We don't need a dating algorithm to tell us who's going home tonight.
We all know maths isn't Sophie's forte, but can she read (through) a pie chart? Photo: Ten
Oh, all right. Let's pretend it's not obvious. Let's pretend Stu does not have this in the bag. Let's pretend love moves in mysterious ways rather than just the blindingly obvious ones. Because if we don't, how the hell are we going to fill the evenings of our empty, meaningless, couch-bound lives for the next two weeks? Sob.
Tonight is like a reprise of the Real Man (aka Anger) Games from a few weeks back, only this time the competition is designed to reveal not what the chaps can do, but what's inside them. Luckily, Sophie doesn't have X-ray vision, or else she'd note the gaping hole lurking behind Blake's perfectly sculpted pectorals.
To ascertain their compatibility, Sophie and her suitors have to put together colour-coded personality pie charts, picking coloured wedges meant to illustrate a bunch of character traits. Their options include humour, ambition, romance, intelligence and some others, none of which is "happy to share the housework".
Sophie's chart reveals her dominant trait to be disorganisation; intelligence doesn't even make it onto her board. If she's looking for same-same, her ideal man is Mr Magoo.
Sophie Monk's personality chart lacks intelligence. Literally. Photo: Ten
Sophie notes that James's chart suggests "he's very serious and structured, which is opposite to me". He's out.
The next stage of the compatibility testing involves four naked dummies. No, not the men. Osher has directed the gents to dress the mannequins "as you would like Sophie to appear on your next date". Somehow Blake resists the temptation to step back, look at his naked Sophie avatar and say "my work here is done".
Call me a dummy, says Sophie, but I wouldn't be caught dead in that get-up. Photo: Ten
The chaps dress their Fauxphies for snowboarding, for a candlelit dinner by Sydney Harbour, for playing on the beach at Byron Bay, and for a hike-and-hot-tub adventure.
The whole point of this is to work out which of these "dates" Sophie likes least.
She picks Byron, "because I go to Byron all the time". Yes, that sounds strangely like a sign of compatibility, but we're in Oppositeland here (except when we're not), so Apollo is told to blast off.
The final stage is a nod to the original televised dating show, Perfect Match. Sophie is on one side of a screen, the chaps are on the other. She asks questions, they write down their answers.
An '80s throwback: Perfect Match redux. Photo: Ten
Mr Harmony reads out their responses, and it's obvious Stu is cunningly trying to reveal which bachelor he is via his coded answers. "I had a tactic from minute one, which was to leave a trail of breadcrumbs," he confesses to the camera.
That would be a terrific ploy had Sophie not already declared her complete lack of intelligence. She might peck happily at those breadcrumbs, but Hansel could yet be toast.
Blake at least knows what the crafty old publican is up to. "Stu's trying to cheat," he says. "It's vom-worthy."
It is too, but Blake's no better. When the most self-obsessed man on the show pledges to use his imaginary lotto winnings to "look after my family and friends", a nation collectively barfs.
As the Perfect Match music plays, Osher surprises absolutely no one by announcing Sophie has picked "bachelor number two", Stu.
"I can't believe you picked me," he says.
"Can't you," she asks, totally failing to appear surprised.
'Oh it's you!': Sure Sophie, like it was a tough code to crack. Photo: Ten
Blake never tires of boasting that he's "100 per cent confident" he can make Sophie fall for him because he knows exactly what a woman wants to hear, but on their date Stu shows he knows exactly what this woman wants to hear.
She asks if he's ever been compatible with anyone else and he says yes, "but not as much as with you".
She asks him if he's a player, and he says no, how could he be, he was married for 15 years. Because no one, ever, was both married and a player.
"I'm not that guy," he says. "I was happy. And I want that again. I like marriage."
Sophie nods so enthusiastically she looks like a life-sized bobblehead.
"I LOVE children," he adds. "And I would do it again in a heartbeat."
By now she's more dewy-eyed than Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. Stop. You had me at hel ??? icopter.
Home and hosed with kids and an ex-wife to boot. Photo: Ten
Back in the mansion, Osher pulls out the very last single date card. It's Blake's turn at last.
"Patience is a virtue," he yells.
"It's crap," says Jarrod. Not patience, the fact Mr Roboto has scored a date.
Sophie says she's hoping to see his sensitive side, by which she must mean his circuit board.
Are you kidding me? Sophie wants to see Blake's softer side. Photo: Ten
Their date is country-bumpkin themed. It starts with feeding baby goats from the bottle, and it turns out he's a natural with kids.
Next up is milking a mother goat as a precursor to making cheese. "It's like a massive nipple," says Blake as he squeezes the goat's massive nipple.
"That's what it is," says Sophie, who really should go back and stick a sliver of intelligence on her pie chart. She's nobody's dummy.
Good with the kids? As the goat says 'Meh'. Photo: Ten
Blake reckons he's finally cracked the code in this whole looking-for-love-on-the-telly thing. "I've realised it's more emotion-based," he says, passably simulating a human. "That's the reason why I'm connecting with Sophie on a more sensitive level now."
Yep. Nothing to do with the producers deciding to give you more screen time because you're such a playah and you're so easy to loathe.
"Bad boys are my weakness," Sophie tells the camera. "But is Blake really a bad boy?" Oh c'mon.
Sophie finding out that Blake gets turned on by tugging nipples. Photo: Ten
It appears Blake's latest system reboot has updated his ability to respond to questions about intimacy and support and nurturing and blah blah blah, and Sophie seems to be utterly convinced by this simulacrum of a sensitive human being.
"I'm so glad I've seen this side of Blake," she says, as some band of flanny-clad faux cowboys plays a cheesy song on the lawn. "He's a really lovely person, I had no idea."
Seriously? Back to the pie chart, with you girl. That intelligence sliver is coming off.
"I'm 100 per cent into Sophie," Blake tells the camera, momentarily confusing her for himself. "It's just a matter of time before she's falling in love with me." That's better.
'Boom! Playah!' Photo: Ten
As the suited-up dudes have a pre-rose ceremony drink, Jarrod is fuming that "our buddy, our pal" had the last date, but he's sure Blake's true colours will shine through. "If he's trying to pull the wool over Sophie's eyes, good luck to him. But Sophie is a smarter girl than that." Clearly he didn't see her chart.
Blake rocks up in a white jacket, but doesn't offer to take anyone's drinks order. Jarrod climbs into the turret and trains his weapons upon the enemy. "We don't want Sophie to get her heart broken," he says to Blake. "I seriously don't want Sophie to get out of this and find she's got a dud at the end of it."
"Are you calling me a dud," Blake asks.
'Are you calling me a dud?' No, just the evil villain in Bond, Blake. Photo: Ten
We don't get an answer. Instead we get Sophie, dressed for an ABBA video c1977, coming to take Apollo away for some one-on-one time on the couch of D&M.
Stu can see the steam coming from Jarrod's ears, and leaps in manfully to release the pressure. "Don't worry about this kid," he says. "There is nothing, nothing, about you that you should change." Except maybe that creepy obsessive streak. And your desire to control everything. And your jealous rages. Other than that, it's all good.
They fist-bump. If Sophie ends up picking neither of them, at least they've got each other.
Jarrod gets a turn on the couch of D&M, where he confesses he has put Sophie on a pedestal from the moment he met her. Seriously, this man's heart is going to shatter like a toppled marble statue when she dumps him.
Ummm creepy, Jarrod! Photo: Ten
Rose ceremony time, and James and Blake get the "I hope I'm not going home" voiceovers, which means one of them is for the chop.
In comes Agnetha, sorry, Sophie, to hand out her four roses. Blake gets the first one, probably because their date was so fresh in her mind she can still remember his name. Stu gets the next one, then Jarrod. Phew. At least Captain Serious won't be going postal tonight.
Apollo gets the last one, which means it is, as we always knew it would be, James who is going home. In Sophieland, short guys always finish last.
Odd man out: James stops short of coming up roses. Photo: Ten
As the taxi of rejection drives him away, James ponders what might have been, if only he'd packed his platform boots.
"In terms of love," he says, "I've just got to hope that I meet the girl for me as it's meant to happen."
The odds on TV not being where it's meant to happen? Pretty short.